Author's Note: This is a poem I decided to write after doing a stream of consciousness on "Neighborhood". Poetry has always been a weak spot of mine so that is why I decided to write one. I hope you like it.
Sitting at the corner
Of the peaceful cul-de-sac
Dog panting in my lap
One,
Two,
Three cars come
Then go again
Off to their cluttered lives
As we sit here
Letting ours go by
The breeze blows our hair
The grass soothes our skin
Together,
Me,
My dog,
Nature,
Are one
Across the street boys play
Acting immature
Just as they should
Laughter is a constant
And nice background music
To the serene scene before us
Willy turns to lick my face
His tail wags
Back and forth,
Back and forth,
Back and forth,
And it all ties together
In the right way
The way it should be
For this is just another day
At the corner of the cul-de-sac
I think your poem is very interesting, in a good way. I like how you set the scene, and it makes feel like I am really there watching those things. However, maybe in your next poem you might want to put some more punctuation after each line, like a semicolon, or even a period. A hyphen works, too. But other than that, I feel that you did a great job on this poem.
ReplyDeleteThis is a really amazing poem! You wrote it so the reader could really put themselves in your spot. I like the beginning where you are talking about the cars driving by, it reminds me of how Bradbury writes in Farhrenheit 451. Do you have any goals for poems?
ReplyDeleteI am glad you chose to try out some poems, because your very good at them. Your good at painting a picture in the readers head, and this piece flowed very well. I also agree with Matt, if you added some punctuation this piece and the next ones could be even better. good job
ReplyDeleteThis is a really neat poem! I think the form is open but the poem had a sort of flow/rhyming way that made me wonder if you meant to write like that. An example would be:Sitting at the corner,Of the peaceful cul-de-sac,Dog panting in my lap One,Two,Three cars come Then go again
ReplyDeleteOff to their cluttered lives. As we sit here
Letting ours go by. I also like when you contradict yourself when saying: "Boys acting immature.. just as they should." That really made me laugh. I actually disagree with what Matt said, I like that it's not a run on sentence but just a large thought in one sentence. To get the idea of some separation, you could try experimenting with stanzas. Otherwise, great job!
Nice job Ryan this is a great poem! I could really picture in my mind nice job. Kelsey said that it kinda sounds like how Bradbury writes in Fahrenheit 451 and I agree with her this was a great poem I also think that you should experiment with different spacing and stanzas but it was really good content. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteI didn't really want to add that much punctuation or forms (like stanzas) because this was off a stream of consciousness and it was meant to capture a single peaceful moment in a busy life.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this poem. It was really different, and I don't think that many people from our class so far this year have written like that. It was really cool. I was able to tell when there were breaks in it, by the way you wrote. I don't know if it is "incorrect" if you don't add punctuation, but it was really good.
ReplyDeleteThe way that you wrote this reflects the theme; it has an easy, free-flowing rhythm to it, and that is created by the short lines, and spacing. It fits the poem well. I would look to using language differently, experimenting with sound and meanings in a way that exercises your ability to incorporate a high level of word choice and language usage.
ReplyDelete